ROOMS
=====

Lovely Meadow:
I am sitting on a red and black checkered blanket in the middle of a beautiful meadow. A giant (i.e. the size of your ugly gut) cake waits infront of me. For no explainable reason whatsoever, a note has been left on the cake. It reads 'THERE WILL BE CAKE, SO YOU SHOULD EAT IT. From Father'. Blatant Portal (TM) reference aside, I reckon 'Dad' is onto something. Any excuse to eat cake right?

Solitary Cell:
I'm in my cell. The same cell I've been in for 8 years. My semen-soaked sheets lay strewn over the cold concrete floor. Years of food trays are stacked in the corner. To the north I can see the bane of my existence. THE DOOR. Metal. Cold. Featureless (apart from the tiny keyhole). Void of personality (much like your wife). Ugly (refer to previous). My main road-block to freedom.

Guard Station:
A guard sits infront of a row of buttons, of which one is clearly labelled in bigger-than-your-penis letters saying 'UNLOCK'. A metal door sits to the west, with a sign saying 'EXIT' above it. I can tell it's locked. The important doors/exits are always locked in games like this. Looks like I'll need to solve some kind of nonsensical puzzle to open it, unless I kill myself out of frustration at the incredibly impossible-without-a-walkthrough difficulty first. I guess I could always start by talking to the guard?

Utterly Pointless Hallway:
Seriously? Why do they even put these hallways in games? It's simply a bore to trudge through lengths of non-descript hall. I don't see why the game creator didn't just make the cell connect straight to the guard station, which, if you're wondering is north of here. No, there's no other way to go, because I've only got two hours to make this damn game, and can't start throwing in rooms willy-nilly with no regard whatsoever to my semi self-imposed time restraints. So make your damn choice. You can either go south, and wallow in self-pity in your pathetic little cell, or GO NORTH TO ENTER THE GUARD STATION.

Utterly Pointless Hallway #2:
Are you kidding me? No seriously? ARE YOU KIDDING ME? Was there too much concrete when they were building this place? Did they have to use up the extra materials because some lazy bugger couldn't be bothered dumping it, or taking it to his next building site? OR WAS IT THE GAME CREATOR AGAIN!? Is he trying to stall me, so I take the extra time to read this, thus making the game SEEM longer and have 'more depth'? Or is he merely adding these pointless rooms to give himself the opportunity for a good ol' game-industry social commentary, which questions the use of boring, actionless, storyless, and ultimately POINTLESS sections of gameplay to pad out the length of a designer's pathetically short game?                                                                                                                                                                                                                           Hmm, na, can't be that. Regardless, the exit to the foyer is to the south.

Foyer:
A typical foyer. You know the kind. The type that you waited in while Aunt Maggie had one of her kidneys removed, or while Grandpa Joe acquired a new set of false teeth. There's an ENTIRELY HETEROSEXUAL guard sitting behind the desk, keeping an eye on the exit to the west (a.k.a your freedom).

Freedom:


OBJECTS
=======

 cake:
A lovely white ice-cream cake, decorated with strawberries on top. My spidey-sense (and the fact that there's no candles) tells me it's no one's birthday.
What was once lovely is now ugly. Nothing is more true now that half of this once beautiful cake is now being eaten away my acid in my stomach.

 key:
A tiny (a.k.a the size of your brain) key with the word 'SOLITARY' engraved on the head.

 note:
THERE WILL BE CAKE, SO YOU SHOULD EAT IT. From Father


TASKS
=====

strip:
Turns out all those long night shifts has turned this guard's sexuality sideways. He's passing out in his excitement, right infront of my rockin' naked body. I don't even want to guess what he's dreaming about.

rape guard:
You're already doing that in his wet dream.

talk to guard:
"You shouldn't be out of your cell! But.....seeing as it's just us....on our own.....I'd like you to show me something....if you know what I mean..."                                                                                                                                                               You think you know exactly what he means....    

push mammoth vacuum button:
As soon as I push the button, the whole room folds away before me, to reveal a giant mammoth looming over me. It opens it's mouth and inhales me into it's throat and down into it's cavern-like stomach. My body is burning. Now I am dead.

strip guard:
I remove the guards clothes (doing a better job than your sister, despite all her experience), and put them on myself.

eat cake:
You eat half of the delicious cake, revealing a small key in the other half.

take key:
BOOM! I'm dead! Just kidding. I took the key (just like that sly jock from highschool called 'TOM' took your sisters virginity). Wait...WHAT'S HAPPENING!?!? Oh...I'm just waking up...                                                                                                    

masturbate:
I knock one out, with your sister in mind.

unlock cell:
Unlocked! The dim, grey glimmer of light from the hallway sails into your cramped asylum cell.

eat note:
There's a reason you're in an asylum.....OOPS! Spoiler alert!

eat key:
The key DOES look incredibly tasty (for some odd reason), but I'm already full of cake.

examine myself:
You do that enough in the mirror (and in the shower).

press unlock button:
The security door leading west is now unlocked. And all it took was losing all dignity and credibility in the eyes of your peers.

w:


EVENTS
======


CHARACTERS
==========

Guard:
Just a regular guard....but...he seems a bit odd....in a queer sort of way......
He's lying unconscious, dreaming of my pubic hair.
homosexuality
"So...that's what you're here to ask about? Less talk....more absent clothes..."
Judging by the sly grin on his dreaming face, he seems to approve.
